Carrie Fischer, beloved metal bikini wearing alcoholic, has joined the legion of artists, actors, and creatives who have stepped off this mortal coil in advance of Trump’s impeding 2017 presidency. Mrs. Fischer, best known for her roles in the original Star Wars Trilogy and her book Postcards from the Edge, died on December 27, 2016.
Carrie was discovered early Sunday morning by her daughter Billie Lourd, “at first I thought she was drunk, but then I saw the bra wrapped around her neck and her trademarked clever smirk seemed a bit off.”
Billie says, upon further investigation, it appeared that her mother had drowned in moonlight while being strangled by her own bra. “Who’s ever ‘drowned in moonlight?’ Like, how is that even possible?” Billie asks, “I guess it’s only fitting for princess Leia, whom George [Lucas] wouldn’t even let wear a bra on set [for Star Wars], to die by her own underwear.”
Doctor Michael Finkelstein says, although very uncommon, it is possible for true artists and dreamers to drown in moonlight. “I’ve never seen it in my career, but there are reports of it happening throughout the Greek and Italian golden ages.” Says Finkelstein. “Mrs. Fischer’s alcoholism and drug use played no part in her sudden death. In my professional opinion, whoever’s in charge of this world is removing all the good people before Trump can take office as a sympathy.”
Fishers’ twitter followers are reaching out for answers:
“You can drown in moonlight? WTF, it’s not even liquid!” @IKnowMoreThanYou
“Princess Leia’s dead, she was soooo hot. Sad.” @President_Trump
“Who’s Carrie Fisher?” @MarkHamill
With three more days left in 2016 we are all left to wonder how many more beloved celebrities are going to escape the planet before Mr. Trump can take office. I think we can all agree that if George R. R. Martin is on the list of soon-to-be-dead we will be forced to take drastic action; I simply could not go on without an ending to A Song of Ice and Fire and I’m sure many others feel the same way. Fuck 2016.